To journies taken
Miles covered and friendships cultivated.
To days we wake up feeling we shouldn’t but still get up, dress up and show up.
To beating emptiness.
To wearing our smiles in the hope that our bleeding hearts will pick a leaf.
To days when we tell our feelings not to vote.
To making it to our happy places in one piece.
To days we would never want to relive.
To being caught in an emotional turbulence and holding still.
To you.
Tomorrow is another day.
This is a product of a series of conversations had with a friend who in more than one way has said so many thought-provoking things.
Question! What did they teach you about losing while growing up?
I wasn’t told anything, were you? I learned of loss and how to cope with it on the job, probably like most of you,and I am not talking about death.
Not so long ago I lost a scholarship and about three years of my life with it. It felt like a lot of things but more importantly, it was an interesting time to be alive.
My family treated me like glass, as though in constant fear that I would shatter and I milked it for everything it was worth.
My friends, some disappeared out of fear of not knowing what to say or do and others who showed up, avoided the topic like it was a newly announced epidemic by ministry of health.
My mother asked me to take heart,and figure out a new plan.
And I, just sat back and enjoyed the show, some days with a lot of pain, and on others with alot of uncertainty and drama.
Like I said, it was an interesting time to be alive.
I had lost things before, but nothing as significant or for which I was adult enough to deal with.
We are grown into a culture of wanting to win at everything and not enough into the reality of the opposite of it, so let me tell you what I have learnt from “not” winning.
It sucks, beyond the ordinary feeling of pain, because there is no place to scratch or bandage.
It’s like drowning without the peaceful promise of death.
It teaches you things about the people in your life but especially about yourself.
It teaches you to show up for yourself.
It sends you on a journey of self discovery in a way nothing else ever will.
It teaches you the helplessness of words and the power of silence.
It teaches you that regardless of how much pep talk you receive, there is no magic to make the pain go away.
It teaches you the power of time and waiting your turn.
It teaches you that the most important things are not things.
It teaches you reckless relentlessness.
It teaches you to be okay with not winning , because therein lies an opportunity.
But more importantly it teaches you to trust God, because there is nothing as liberating as having no control!
What has ‘not winning’ taught you?
Before I started blogging, I idolized people who do this. I read people’s work.
I fell love with Biko Zulu’s mind and Ernest Bazanye’s ability to clothe anything in humor.
I got attached to the gospel according to Eziaha’s and Josephina’s story telling while I getting 59 in a land law exam because I discovered Ogutu David’s blog the day before.
I stalked people.
They made it seem easy, so I signed me up on wordpress and I remember my first post being a congratulatory message to myself.
It came to my attention, a week or so later, that I was going to work a little harder to keep this up.
That was February 12th 2014.
So ladies and gentlemen we have a blog birthday coming up and thanks to Uganda’s blog community, I have been prompted to write everyday of this month. (Pray for me, and send me encouraging tweets and texts encouraging me lol)
I spent all day, figuring out what to write about that will be both interesting and consistent and then an argument in class gave me some insight.
Therefore in honor of 2014, the year when I discovered there is nothing easy about this, I will be writing lessons,this place and it’s people have taught me since I started.
I will be revisiting most of my posts and your comments for some much needed perspective.
Let’s do this!
I am fully tempted to come out guns blazing on January and be like “good riddance”, but the truth is except for the heat, I had a very good first month of the year.
I was dealing with a serious case of laziness and realizing that I kicked some serious academic butt when my results for last semester were released, with what I considered minimum effort on my part, has sent me down a dangerous path.
The beginning of February makes school a bigger reality than I want to deal with, but being my last semester maybe it’s time to hire my serious nemesis.
Otherwise how are you doing? How far with the whole new year, new you plan if any?
February being the month of love and all I would like to dedicate this blog to decisions. ( Yeah I know how us single people know how to ruin the party for everyone,but please read on)
According to psychologists or people google made up, an average conscious adult makes about 35000 decisions everyday.
Red wine or white or Roze
Dry or sweet.
To leave or to stay.
To go to bed, or to watch just one more episode of your favorite series.
To get up or cuddle with that pillow or it’s human form, one more minute.
To stay on your phone or look up from it and have an actual conversation.
To add filters before you post that picture or to add #nofilters.
To pursue your dream, or to remain in your comfort zone and settle.
To be great or to be good enough.
To exist or to live.
To be a decent human being or to completely suck at being human.
To love or to walk away.
To fit in or to dare to be different..
To keep hurting or to let it go.
What a Wow!
We could do this all day but let’s proceed.
A few weeks ago,a friend of mine asked if I had reading material on decision making, maybe a book or link to blog I can recommend.
Well I had nothing, and then I realized, how such little attention I pay to something I do, 35000 times everyday.
I also figured, just like everything else in life, there is no rule book. The movies will tell you to go with your gut/listen to your heart, while your pastor will tell you to ask the Holy Spirit, and we all know how awfully quiet these two can get especially when we are desperate.
Sometimes in an attempt to listen to your heart without a stethoscope, you hear what you want to hear, because maybe the opposite is too hard.
You decide to stay a little longer in bed because you convince yourself it’s too cold.
You decide to stay in a hopeless relationship because leaving would mean being alone and that is scary especially 14th February and all.
You decide to wallow a little longer in self pity because confronting certain things is just too uncomfortable or painful or both.
You tolerate crap friends because not being liked sucks.
The list goes on.
One of the biggest lies out there, is that, when it comes to love, our hearts go rogue and we can’t decide for ourselves.
I am not sorry to be the one to break it to you, but love is just one of those 35000 decisions, the only difference is it falls on a tougher side than choosing what to have for lunch.
Love is a choice, and he/she has not loved you until he/she chooses you, likewise, you haven’t loved yourself until you choose yourself.
It may or may not be more complicated than that. I absolutely wouldn’t know, I just know its a decision, because when it comes down to it, love is not the prize, you are!
In case of emergency, love yourself even more -Ijeoma Uwebinyuo
Happy New Month.
Thank you for deciding to read my blog and I love you for it.
Everything and Nothing 